Chocolate Flavored Water and the Hotdog That Drinks It

Until recently, I’ve maintained a strong aversion to buying online. I could lie and tell you it’s because of some grand philosophy, but honestly, it’s simpler than that. I hate gambling.

Buying online is a gamble. We trade our money for a JPEG and a promise. Sometimes it turns out okay, sure. But most of the time? The product that arrives on our doorstep is a flimsy version of what we expected.

That’s probably why I’ve never understood the persistence of review emails. "Tell us what you think!" Why? If the item performed exactly as expected, what am I supposed to say? "Yeah, the flashlight turned on. Five stars." The only time I feel inclined to leave a review is if the item is pure dogshit.

Then, once in a blue moon, something forces your hand.

When I mentioned my migraines to my chiropractor, he suggested LMNT. His reasoning was sound: maybe I was flushing out too many minerals with all the water I drink. The logic held up, so I tried it. And for a while, I guess it worked. I wasn’t enduring as many migraines… and I hadn’t changed anything else. Why not trust it?

Then came the betrayal.

I went online to order my usual variety pack, only to find I couldn't. So, I did what anyone does these days when something breaks: I took to Google. That’s when I found the controversy. LMNT seems to be in hot water over misrepresenting its ingredients.

Did I care about the ingredients? Not really. I drink tap water. But I care about being lied to.

That put me back in the wilderness, running blind and getting smacked in the face by dead-end branches.

That’s when I found Saltt.

I ordered it with zero expectations. Assumed it’d be another passable product I'd tolerate. So, I tried the fruit flavors. They were fine. Acceptable. Better than nothing.

But after a few days, I came across a flavor in the variety pack I kind of dreaded: Cocoa Loco.

I’m not a chocolate person. Wasn’t sure how I’d feel about chocolate water. The idea sounded like a mistake.

But… I tried it.

And my initial thought was… "You know what? That's chocolate."

It wasn’t a chemical approximation. It wasn’t a "flavor profile." It was just… chocolate. A rich, surprisingly authentic hit of something real in a cup of cold water. A strange, unexpected thing that had no right to be good, but was. A nice flavor experience hiding in a box of… “meh.”

The world of online supplements is mostly noise. It’s hype, it’s influencers, it’s false promises. But every once in a while, if you dig through enough bullshit, you find something that just... agrees with you.

Is Saltt going to change my life? No. It’s an electrolyte powder. It’s probably not doing anything for me—my personal placebo. But in a world that constantly over-promises and under-delivers, why can’t that be a small victory? Sometimes you’ve got to wade through the passable fruity flavors to find the chocolate.